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I’m here.

It’s been a while.

I was gone for a bit.

I took a small trip with my mama to NYC.

And then came back and spent a week learning how to be a phlebotomist. Not familiar? They’re the ones that stick a needle in your arm and draw blood into the colorful tubes for testing. What’s that? You don’t like needles? No one does. Which makes that job that much harder.

Phlebotomy week was a walk in the park compared to the ache I have in my heart at the moment.

I got a little cocky and did a few things I really shouldn’t have done. Like see Jay.

I thought I was ready. I thought our time had come and gone. I thought I was okay with it.

Who was I kidding?

What a mess.

I also sent Mr. Perfect on Paper on his merry way. I couldn’t handle it. He was fun and all but I’m a mess and he was just confusing things.

And then I ran into the ex who made me who I am today. The well guarded, strong woman that won’t take anyone’s shit. Oh and my ex-best friend his girlfriend.

Damn.

What a step in the wrong direction.

Send hugs. And wine.

Awkward and Awesome

Time for a change of pace.

It’s Thursday, which means everyone is over partying at The Daybook with Sydney and sharing the awkard and awesomeness that is their life. Haven’t met Sydney yet? Well what the heck are you waiting for?…Really there’s like 400 of us. Jump on the bandwagon already.

Awkward:

  • Heading out on date number three with Mr. Perfect on Paper and getting asked twice by his friends if we were on a date. Followed by: “OMG! That’s so cute! Did you guys like just meet? And now you’re out at the winery with us? That’s awesome! Do you like him? I mean, like, will he be your boyfriend?” yup, that happened.
  • Monday I held the door open at work for the sweetest old man, he thanked me profusely (which was adorable) and then looked me in the eye and said, “Well, Have a Nice Day!” Which we all know is the universal conversation ender, but the problem is, our interaction didn’t end there. I still had to ride up 4 floors on the elevator with him. Lots of awkwardness silence  followed since technically our conversation ended a few floors ago.
  • So I’m out to dinner with some family friends and my parents. I was fifth wheeling it because hey it was free dinner and it was at a pretty cool restaurant. We’re all sitting there talking and then the adults start getting tipsy. And then said family friend starts talking about some very adult things. ahem. My mom turned all kinds of shades of red. It was especially awkward because she still changes the channel whenever someone says the word “sex”. She thinks I’m 12.
  • Friday” by Jessica Black. It pains me to listen.

Awesome:

  • Wednesday was Steph’s birthday! Which means, we’re going out on the town tomorrow to celebrate! I invited Champagne and Stilettos to come along…and those two know how to party. Stay tuned.
  • I’ve had the last two days off to write a paper, which means I’m still wearing my pjs from Tuesday night. Be jealous.
  • My roommate and I, also known as Mom, are heading out to NYC on Sunday for Spring Break. She’s gushing over Regis Philbin so we’ll be the crazies waiting in line at 5 am to see his show. I’m cool with it. She’s definitely worth it.
  • Reading the comments on the Jessica Black Friday youtube video. That might be heartless of me but some people are pretty dang funny so I do it anyway.

April 1st

I spent hours searching online for the best Christmas present I could find. I take great pride in the fact that I normally give pretty sweet gifts and I didn’t want this to be the exception. We had known each other for almost 2.5 years so the ideas were plentiful but nothing seemed special enough. Finally, I came up with something…a gift that would make him the happiest guy on the planet.

Two tickets to see the Chicago Bulls and a weekend away with yours truly. I scoured the internet for tickets that would fall on a weekend where I didn’t have to study and then scoured some more for something that fell on an intern’s budget.

Finally I had them. The tickets weren’t for a game until April 1st but heck I was lucky to find them and it would give us something to look forward to, right?

…..

Wrong.

I never got to give him the tickets.

And he never knew I spent hours searching for something so perfect.

Or what I had to do to justify paying for them.

…..

Instead of being wrapped up and carefully opened on Christmas, those tickets sat in my desk drawer in the ugly envelope they came in. And then they stayed there for 6 weeks more.

…..

In mid February I decided it was time to pack up a few memories and begin the trek towards moving on. I grabbed notes out of old backpacks and took pictures off of billboards and put them in the memory box stashed high on the top shelf of my bookcase. And then I opened my desk drawer and wondered what I was ever going to do with two tickets to a Bulls game 300 miles away.

It didn’t take long to realize they were worthless sitting in a desk drawer but in my broken heart I saw them as something else; a chance to see Jay. I fumbled around with the envelope for a few minutes and contemplated calling Jay right then to see if maybe he’d be up for a roadtrip…as friends. I must have been having a pretty strong willed day because I ended up deciding against it and instead put them on ebay. Nevermind the fact that I priced them for just a little bit higher than what I knew someone would actually pay for them, secretly hoping they wouldn’t sell.

Jay called about one week after I put the tickets for sale just to say hi. In a small bit of silence between us I fumbled over my words and blurted out that I had tickets. For him. I could hear his heart break over the phone and he apologized a million times over that I still had them. He suggested we could go, but I surprised myself and told him I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, so we left it at that, and I assumed we’d talk about it later.

….

In early March I decided it was time to move on for real and get rid of the two things holding me back, so I logged on to ebay and dropped the ticket price substantially. Within a day the tickets sold and just like that my heartbroken dream of seeing Jay vanished. I let out a small gasp when I got the email that my tickets had sold but decided it really was for the best and didn’t let myself think about it for much longer. The tickets were sold, there was no going back. Time to move on.

….

Which brings me to today. Ten Days before April 1st. With my heart and mind barely on the same page. I don’t know why all of a sudden I’m thinking of April 1st, but I am.

I think it would be fun to see Jay again.

He doesn’t know the tickets are sold.

I wonder if he’s thought about those tickets at all. I wonder if he was secretly counting on one more weekend together too. After all, we never did get our goodbye.

Most days our break-up never even phases me. I don’t miss our late night talks or flip through old photos of us, I just don’t have any interest. But for some reason I can’t get these damn tickets out of my head. I’m holding on to that one last bit of hope for us even though I know deep down that there is none left.

I hate that I bought those stupid tickets. And  I hate that they were for April, so far away.

I’m ready for this one last bit of hope to fade.

Call Me Crazy

My date with Mr. Perfect on Paper went amazing yet again, but I’m holding back on the details for now. I’ve tried a few times to put our date into words but there’s something getting in the way.

I don’t know if my heart’s in this whole dating thing.

It’s hard to describe.

I’ll start here: Before every date with Mr. PoP I’ve had almost no desire to get dressed, do my hair or pretty myself up with a little make-up. I hardly spend anytime during the day thinking about my impending date nor do I find myself obsessing over the perfect outfit. It’s like the butterflies aren’t there. The giddiness is nowhere to be found. I usually wait til the very last minute, jump in the shower and throw on the very first outfit that comes to mind. But Mr. PoP is uhhhhhmazzzzing! He’s just about the sweetest guy I’ve met in a long time and he really is Perfect on Paper (and in person too!) Where’s the pre-date giddiness?

I don’t understand why I have to drag my butt up off the couch to get out to see him because when I am hanging out with him, he’s a lot of fun and the time literally flies by. I have enjoyed every minute we’ve spent together, so why don’t I get excited at the chance to see him? Why would I rather mope around the house and lay in my sweats and not go out and have a good time?

I ask myself these questions every time I’m getting ready to see him and it all comes back to just one thing: It was so much easier with Jay. I didn’t have to flirt through measly text messages throughout the week or come home from a 10 hour day at the hospital and spend the next few hours playing the get to know you game. I hate the get to know you game. I don’t want to play it. I don’t want to go through this right now. I want it to be easier. I want to come home and lay on the couch and not have to think about what side of me I let him see. I don’t want to strategically answer questions or analyze every word that comes out of his mouth. I don’t want to. I want to go back to the days where all of these answers were known and the flirting came easy and I didn’t compare the person sitting across the table to the person I once loved.

Is this just a phase? Is this just something that hits you once you start dating again? Is it fair to still see Mr. Perfect on Paper when I still have all of these thoughts racing through my head?

I want so damn badly to move on.

Ugh, Dating.

First of all, props to Jaclyn Rae for reminding me I have a blog. Thanks girl!

Second: I’m back from my first date with Mr. Perfect on Paper (obviously). Also, I think he needs a new name, I’ll work on it. It went better than I expected it to after our little bit of confusion. To be honest, we’ve gone on another date since then. We went to dinner at a local pub….for 5 hours. So yeah, we clicked. Tonight we have another date. We’re hitting up a winery with some of his friends. I’m excited but definitely have a little anxiety too.

I can’t exactly say where the anxiety stems from but it’s there. I think a part of it is the pressure of the dreaded first kiss. OMG. I hate that part. When Jay and I first started talking it took 5 months for us to go on a first date and another month later to have our first kiss. Ugh. I’m so awkward. I avoid the first kiss like the plague. It’s not natural at all and it’s weird on every front. Of course once it’s over it’s all fine and dandy but leading up to it is the worst.

So anyways, our third date is tonight (yes, I’m counting, is that weird?). I still live with my parents (ugh.) which means the most awkward part of the night will be when he drops me off. It will be that awkward do I walk you to the door or give you an awkward hug in the front seat scenario. And there will probably be the whole “umm….soooo…..yeahh….” moment which really means “Are you gonna kiss me or not?” And I’ll probably try to fend off the awkwardness by digging through my clutch for the house keys…which never works because my clutch is only so big. Ah geez this is gonna be bad. Oh and my sister and brother in law are visiting this weekend, I guarantee they’ll spy from the front window.

So how about you all send me some happy thoughts?

First Date Confusion

Mr. Perfect on Paper and I have a date tonight. We’ve been chatting away all week via facebook messages, how so very…modern? He finally mustered up the courage to ask for my number yesterday, 9 days after our marathon messenger exchange. So tonight we’re heading out for drinks. This morning he texted to ask where I would like to go. Bleh. I tried my best to slyly pass the torch back on to him without showing my disgust for the fact that I was essentially planning the date he asked me to go on. He seemed to get the hint and accepted the challenge, so I went back to my day satisfied with my sneakiness.

Flash forward to 8 hours later, I am now on my way home from a full day at the hospital. I’m mentally digging through my closet trying to put together my first real outfit (non-scrubs)  in almost 2 weeks, so I’m little excited. My phone dings and much to my surprise I have a little message from Mr. Perfect on Paper. I tap the screen thinking it’ll be a subtle “excited to see you tonight” comment, and instead I’m hit with a quick disappointment. He wants to know where would be a convenient place to go, somewhere that’s not out of the way for me.

WHAT?! We live in neighboring towns, which are both teeny tiny. There are only so many places to go, and really? How could it possibly be out of the way when I drive an hour to and from class every day?

Not wanting our little ‘you pick’ ‘no, you pick’ exchange to go on any further I gave in and texted back with a place that suited our needs.  Lame.

Is it really too much to ask nowadays to have a first date all planned out, without your date’s advice? Is that lost? I realize I’m a little new to the dating world, are my expectations too high? All I want is a simple first date, planned out, and executed without my help. Just tell me when and where. Does that exist?

Awkward and Awesome

I’m just gonna go ahead and finish up my week with the acceptance that my life is both Awkward and Awesome. Seeing as how Monday started off with a bang to begin with. Join up with Sydney over at The Daybook and check out a few more Awkward and Awesomes. Forewarning: you just might fall in love with Sydney while you’re over there.

Awkward:

  • Forgetting to wear a very key item of my wardrobe on Monday.
  • Trying to race to the bathroom in between lectures and forgetting the stupid key code to get in. I tried every single code I could think of before I gave up. I look like a fool standing there, so I turn away all sly like, only to have someone open the door from the inside and ask if I need let in. I say “nope, wasn’t me.” Whattt?!? Of course it was me, why did I say that? Because I’m an idiot. clearly.
  • I walked in to the break room to put my lunch away this morning and someone follows me in. With my back still turned they say, “Hey! How are you?” I assume it’s someone I know, so I speedily turn around and reply “Oh hi! Good! You?” Only to find out I have no idea who they are and they’re on the phone. Real Smooth
  • This morning I was sitting at a stop light patiently waiting with the rest of rush hour for the light to change. The left turning lane gets a green arrow and the cars next to me start moving. I realize my lane isn’t moving so I give the car in front of me a polite honk to wake him up and get him going…except we still have a red light. So I smile stupidly and get all sweaty.
  • Earlier this week my best friend Steph came out to dinner with my mom, dad and I. Steph decides to tell my dad all about my little escapades downtown and the fun people I’ve been meeting. My dad has three daughters. He’s protective as all hell. Needless to say he didn’t find those stories very entertaining.

Awesome:

  • Buying tickets to 6 country concerts this summer. Simply. Cannot. Wait.
  • Coming home from class and seeing a few new books my mom roommate picked out for me. I found it a thoughtful gesture and a welcome escape.
  • Getting nominated for 2 microbiology awards at school! Holy Cow! Let’s hope award nominations turn into job offers sometime soon!
  • Attending my very first wine tasting this week. And finding the most amazing Petite Sirah. Bold red wines get me every time.
  • Having a girls night at the local mexican restaurant with my mama.
  • Sending messages back and forth all week with Mr. Perfect on Paper. Turns out he did remember me. :)
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